I'm re-reading my How to Train Your Dragon 2 fanfiction.
I think I might have to check myself into a hospital. How you still have a smidge of respect for me after reading that beats me. Oh, help. I can't even -
Look, I don't want to be one of those people who complains about their work when everyone else thinks it's great - and who do this because they secretly like the work and are looking for affirmation. I'm NOT doing that right now. I'm not going to utterly slam the thing - there were a couple of saveable moments and descriptions that filed under the 'okay' section. But I honestly have never, EVER read a fanfiction as utterly cheesy as that HTTYD one that is sitting under my profile name. No exaggeration.
Ah, Lostariel, I owe you a ton of my ability to actually write about people who are minimally in-character. Thank you for sticking with me through all those horror stories of mangled English.
Gosh, I can't believe I'm doing this, but, uh, I do want to make this post mildly entertaining for you guys, so I'll give you my least favourite part of the story. Because I'm insane. And, truth is, I do like making fun of bad writing. It's a pleasure similar to reading the Amazon.com reviews that detail why Twilight is not even worth the paper it takes to print.
I've never been brave enough to actually share the crap I wrote, though.
When we're done, we'll pretend it never happened, 'kay?
To fully bring the terror of the situation to bear, I ask you all to remember to remember this cute and socially awkward kid, below right.
If you haven't seen him in his film, then you seriously need to. So sweet and touching. But Hiccup's certainly not capable of ever, in a million years, saying anything remotely close to this speech - and yes, he does indeed get eloquent enough to speak in third person:
[telling his girlfriend about his true heritage (as if that wasn't cliche enough)]
"Astrid, Hiccup Horrendous Haddock the Third is a half-breed hybrid infused with enemy blood. he's your nightmares come to life in one of your friends. He's going to battle with his relatives. He's stained and corrupted by the royal line of Thornburg. Kenna Nadderslayer is his flesh and blood, his cousin, and Peaeye Nadderslayer is his uncle, his mother's brother.
Why did Toothless choose me, when I was so filthy? Why was I destined to be the Dragon-Viking peacemaker when my family so freely sheds the blood of each of these races? I don't know. But even if you never care for me again, and try to forget about me as soon as I leave you, don't tell anyone else of my heritage. But if you choose to abandon me, do so, and I'll harbour no ill feelings toward you - I hate the Thornburgians as much as you do."
I looked at her.
She was trembling, and a tear shivered on her eyelash, about to fall.
She looked down, and traced something in the ground with her finger.
"So, do you hate me to your bones, Astrid Hofferson?" I asked softly.
She looked up at me, shaking her head slowly. "You can doubt that the stars are fire! You can doubt that the sun movess! You can even beleive truth itself to be a liar! But there's one thing you should never doubt, Hiccup Horrendous Haddock the third."
Oh my Rassilon - Shakespeare. What was I doing, writing Hamlet into a headstrong, self-driven girl?
This freaking used to be my favourite part.