well it's been like four months since i last posted.
But I had to dump my soul out. So here I am.
Before we get onto this actual post, a brief update on my life:
-i met a platonic soulmate
-i watch a lot of tv
-summer cannot come fast enough
-[obligatory comment about how freaking tough school is right now like don't even talk to me]
-all the songs make sense now
There's a quote from a tv show called Castle, which I don't watch, but is very relevant to my life right now.
"How do you know you're in love?" "All the songs make sense."
Now, I hate the "I'm dating Jesus!1!!<333" stuff as much as the next guy. So I'm not making this comparison idly. I'm making it because I finally understand all the hymns, all the worship music, all the crazy things people say about wanting to live for Jesus.
I don't know how to talk about what's happened. Everything I'm typing reads like I'm calm. I don't jump up and down in church. but i wANT TO TYPE LIKE THIS AND I WANT TO SCREAM AND SHOUT AND DANCE IN THE AISLES. I KEEP REPEATING "THE HOLE INSIDE ME HAS BEEN FILLED" BECAUSE IT HAS. THE EMPTY SPACE IN MY STOMACH THAT I FUTILELY TRY TO FILL WITH FANDOMS AND RELATIONSHIPS FEELS LIKE IT'S BEEN STUFFED WITH NEVERENDING HOT FOOD. I FEEL LIKE I'M JUST TASTING THE VERY EDGE OF THIS, GLIMPSING THE HEM OF GOD'S ROBE.
"'Cause I got changed by what I've been shown,
It's more glory than the world has known,
Keeps me ramblin' on,
And skippin' like a calf
Loosed from his stall,
I'm free to love once and for all,
And even when I fall I get back up
Through the joy that overflows my cup.
Heaven filled me with more than enough,
Broke down my levees and my bluffs,
Let the flood wash me."
I'M GOING! TO! EXPLODE!
I HAVE FOUND THE KEY TO LIFE, THE UNIVERSE, AND EVERYTHING. IT'S NOT 42, IT'S TRUSTING IN GOD COMPLETELY AND LETTING GO OF YOUR FEARS AND DOUBTS AND BEING STILL AND KNOWING THAT HE IS /GOD/ AND SHARING THE GLORY YOU'VE SEEN WITH OTHERS. THIS IS SUPERNATURAL. THIS ISN'T NORMAL.
I COULD GO ON IN ALL-CAPS FOR A VERY LONG TIME, BUT I HAVE A FEELING THAT PEOPLE TAKE ME A LITTLE LESS SERIOUSLY WHEN I AM SCREAMING AT THEM SO HEY HO BACK TO LITTLE TEXT
So, anyway. Today in church, my dad gave a really good sermon about suffering for Jesus. Me and my friend Mary had been talking a day or two before about how much we'd rather burn up than stick to the shade.
Log book: April 2013. I'm fifteen years old, and I'm tired of living for the distant future. I don’t want to go to school, get married, go on a honeymoon, pay the bills, and die. I can’t stand that. Not because I don’t like the idea, I do. I want to kiss someone and go to Iceland with him and maybe have a kid or two.
But I have discovered a love and a truth that blows everything out of the water and I can’t live normal. I was just sitting in church, soaked in jealousy of Paul the Apostle because how he suffered but still knew the truth. He was out there, preaching, moving the Gospel forward. The church is advanced through the blood of the martyrs. You cannot live safely defending this. And I don’t want to. I want to feel great pain and know that my God is greater and know that I am honouring him. I want to throw away my entire life. I want to live with insane radness. I don't want to get to heaven and cry because I wasted my life. I want to live in a way that is not safe and is not fun or comfortable, but that is sustained by God.
I'M SORRY I HAD TO SPILL THIS.
P.S. LISTEN TO THIS MUSIC BECAUSE IT'S THE BEST MUSIC EVER.